I’m in the twilight zone that follows a major event. I can go for increasingly long periods of time having forgotten that my Dad died. And then I remember. The good news is the kick in the stomach is not what it was days ago. And the kicks have not been as harsh as I expected.
And I’m OK with that. I did most of my grieving ten months ago when I first learned about the cancer and his prognosis. And I’ve grieved off and on since then. In light of that I’m trying not to feel guilty about not feeling worse.
When a spouse, parent or good-friend is about to die after an extended illness, I try to get to the ones closest to them and say, “Make me a promise. When they pass, you will not feel guilty if you feel relieved.” Often times they have already been grieving and now see the prolonged suffering of the one they love as something that needs to end. They may even start hoping that death comes and pray to that end. Only to feel guilty later on. I ask them to promise me that they will not feel guilty if they do not feel bad. I am trying to allow myself that same grace.
Over the last few days I’ve been hanging out with two very good friends – Bob Thomas and Roger Berry, the first from the Bay Area the second from Austin, TX. We get together once a year if not more. After they learned about my stroke they offered to fly in right away but I asked them to hold off, reasoning that they’d visit me in the hospital for about 20 minutes, I’d fall asleep and then they’d go play golf or go out to eat. Selfishly I asked for a month or two so I could join them at least on part of the outings. (Last week in therapy I tried swinging a 7 iron. It wasn’t pretty, not that it ever was. )
Anyway, they were in town and as we generally do, we spent much of the time in deep conversation about our lives. We use a list of questions to prompt us to move past the surface. In fact, we type out our answers in advance and mail them to each other so we can drill down on the areas that need the most attention. I have included this list of questions in this blog before, but I include them below all the same.
Master List of Questions
Relationship with God:
· On a scale of 1 – 7, rate your relationship with Christ right now?
· Are you trending positively or negatively?
· What has God been teaching you over the last year?
· How many days a week do you have some sort of private devotional time?
· On a scale of 1 – 7, how would you rate those times?
Relationship with Wife
· On a scale of 1 – 7, what would you give your marriage right now?
· What would your wife give it?
· What one or two things could you do to be a better husband?
· How often do you pray together?
Relationship with Children:
Ministry:
· If you were to get the chance to speak once to a million believers, what would you speak on? Another way to put this question is: What is something that you believe the Holy Spirit has taught you, that you are passionate to pass on to others?
Work
· On a scale of 1 – 7, how much do you like your job?
· What do you like most and least about your job?
· How many more years do you believe you will do it?
· If you could change one thing about it what would it be?
Money:
· On a scale of 1 – 7, do you feel like you are being a good steward with all God has entrusted to you?
·
General Well Being
· What has been the high point and low point of your last year or so?
· What gives you energy/recharges your emotional batteries?
· What are your favorite recreational activities?
· What is draining you? Do you have any on-going / besetting sin in your life?
· Where do you need more accountability in your life?
· Do you get enough physical activity?
· What are you worrying about?
· What are one or two things that you would like to start doing or do more consistently?
Relationships:
· Which relationships are most stressful for you right now?
· Do you have any / enough relationships that aren’t stressful?
· Other than your spouse, parents and children, who has had the biggest impact on your life?
· Who has had the biggest impact on you in the last ten years?
Reading:
· What books have you read recently?
· What books have made the biggest impact on your life?
Miscellany
· How might we help you or pray for you over the next 90 days?
· What 3 things in the next 90 days will make the greatest impact in your life for 2013?
· What 3 measurable priorities do you want to accomplish in the next 90 days? Next 180?
· What are three things that you are thankful for?
Are you hiding anything we really should know about?
What is your biggest regret at the moment?
The deal is, any question can be asked and every question must be answered.
Many fear that if they were fully known they would be rejected. Not true. God knows all and loves. And it’s possible to have other such relationships. No secrets.
It is wonderful to be fully known and accepted. Do you have such friends?