Meg Jay, author of The Defining Decade, makes a number of fascinating points about the way today’s youth transition into adulthood. Jay reports that many twentysomethings now believe that there is no hurry – that “they’ve got extra time to grow up” – because everything now starts later: work, marriage, having children, even death. Consequently, 30 is the new 20.
Right? Wrong! Jay argues that the twenties are the defining decade and that a growing number of people are wasting them. To make her case she cites studies that show that:
- 80% of life’s most defining moments happen by the time you are 35.
- The first ten years of a career have an exponential impact on how much we will earn during the rest of our lives.
- Half of all people who marry will do so in their 20s.
- Our brain caps off its second and final growth spurt during this decade – which means we are in a lot better space if the habits and discipline we want to carry us through life are already in place.
- Female fertility peaks at 28 and gets tricky after 35.
In other words, those who waste their twenties place themselves in a deep hole. In fact, Jay – who is a clinical psychologist at the University of Berkeley – says that the twenties are as important to adulthood as the first five years of life are to childhood.
Why is this information important to hear? Because “this is not what twentysomethings are hearing. The media is full of reports about how it’s taking longer to reach adulthood. We’ve even made up new terms like twixters and kadults to describe those in their twenties. The result is, we have trivialized the defining decade of a person’s life. Leonard Bernstein says that, ‘In order to achieve great things you need a plan and not quite enough time.’ What happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and say, ‘you have an ten extra years?’ Nothing happens. They kill time.”
Jay supplements her work with stories from her counseling practice. She tells of those in their early thirties who realize that they had a better resume when they graduated from college than they do now. Or of those in their thirties and forties who suddenly realize that they cannot have the career they want – or the children they want – because they wasted their twenties.
So, what does she recommend? Her advice to twentysomethings includes:
Forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. Do something that adds value to who you are. Identity capital builds on itself. Now is the time to take some risks. This doesn’t mean that there is no time for self-exploration. What it does mean is that there is no time for exploration that doesn’t count.
The urban tribe is overrated. Don’t only huddle with likeminded twenty year olds, expand your network. Half of all new jobs are never posted. You need to network with your friends, their friends and your neighbor’s boss to get a job. This is not cheating, it’s the way information spreads.
The time to pick your family is now. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one. Work as hard on your love as you do your work. Do not settle.
Is there any good news here? Yes. Jay loves what she does because twentysomethings are easy to help. “They are like planes just taking off from LAX and heading West. A small course correction at the beginning of the flight is the difference between Alaska and Japan.